Snow storm causing major problems for the nation's idiots, and leaving thousands without access to pornography, forecast of possible light snow triggers emergency response from the entire government, Department of Defense allows women to serve in combat with supervising male chaperon, Cruise family increases security in response to continued time traveler attacks, Congress can't remember how to pass a bill, al-Qaeda planting decoy Muslims to make people think they're peaceful, those 7 asshole snowmobilers still not lost or hurt, Snowstorm killer still at large, people are sad about dead woman, and the Memphis murderer needs to try harder if he wants Brooke Alvarez to pay attention.
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