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Onion News Network Season 2009

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2009x105 Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard airdate unknown

The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.

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2009x106 Man Who Crossed Nation In Balloon Only Wants To Talk About Horse Abuse airdate unknown

Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montaug, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.

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2009x112 Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gasoline airdate unknown

Community members who didn't burn to death are struggling to accept the devastating loss of so much premium fuel.

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2009x113 Congress Debates Adding Elaborate Dance To Obama's Inauguration Ceremony airdate unknown

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) wants to mark Obamas historic inauguration with an intricately choreographed dance piece of his own creation.

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2009x119 Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size airdate unknown

In Beyond The Facts, we examine how Bratz are convincing a generation of girls that to be hip and beautiful they have to have gigantic heads.

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2009x120 Police Say School Shooter Had Troubled Past, History Of School Shootings airdate unknown

Teachers may have overlooked a number of red flags, including Bobby Knowles' turbulent home life, violent writing, and previous school shootings.

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2009x126 Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea airdate unknown

From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.

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2009x127 How To Wax Your Floors Without Slipping And Severing Your Spine airdate unknown

Author Jerry Bloom visits Today Now to explain how you can make your kitchen floor shine without falling and paralyzing yourself for life.

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2009x202 Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team airdate unknown

The Giants Coach said he valued the years he spent with his family, but wants to focus on more important things now.

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2009x204 In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks? airdate unknown

Our panelists debate whether TV programs like A Double Shot At Love and The Bad Girls Club depict unattainable levels of skankiness.

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2009x209 Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work airdate unknown

Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things.

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2009x211 FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful airdate unknown

Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness.

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2009x216 East Timor's First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women airdate unknown

Amivi Gama's violent rise to power has proved that women are just as capable as men when it comes to brutality and oppression.

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2009x218 Courageous Man Refuses To Believe He Has Cancer airdate unknown

On Today Now, Peter Hedgemont shares the inspirational tale of how he has refused to let a cancer diagnosis convince him he has cancer.

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2009x223 Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger, Free iPod Industry airdate unknown

The U.S. is considering sanctions against the Eastern European nation if it does not reduce the number of unsolicited offers for Viagra and replica handbags ... read more

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2009x225 Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? airdate unknown

Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times.

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2009x226 Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine 2.2 Million To Run Photos Of Her Baby airdate unknown

Celebrity watchers attribute the exorbitant price to the incredibly low demand for any news about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

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2009x227 Congressman Offers Preemptive Apology For Extramarital Affair airdate unknown

Rep. Gregory White (D-NH) tearfully asks forgiveness for the degrading and sinful acts he is about to engage in.

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2009x228 NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams airdate unknown

Online universities and bible colleges will be among the thousands of teams vying to prove they are the best in the nation.

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2009x229 Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat airdate unknown

Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.

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2009x230 Manufacturer Recalls Hollow Point Bullets That Fail To Explode Inside Targets airdate unknown

Steel Hawk Inc. is offering a full refund to customers who bought thenon-flesh-shredding bullets.

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2009x231 Paleontologists Discover Skeleton Of Natures First Sexual Predator airdate unknown

Paleontologists believe the intact skeleton could shed light on the bizarre fetishes of this pervert dinosaur.

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2009x232 Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport airdate unknown

Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.

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2009x233 Congressmans War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Highway Bill Passed airdate unknown

Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.

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2009x234 DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack airdate unknown

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.

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2009x235 Morning Show Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris airdate unknown

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.

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2009x236 Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face airdate unknown

Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

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2009x237 Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable airdate unknown

Panelists discuss how pornography warps children's minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.

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2009x238 Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs airdate unknown

From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

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2009x239 Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars airdate unknown

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

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2009x240 More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas airdate unknown

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans don't do their own work.

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2009x241 Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams? airdate unknown

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.

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2009x242 Autoworkers Compete to Keep Jobs, Livelihoods on New Reality Show airdate unknown

On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!

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2009x243 Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions airdate unknown

Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.

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2009x244 Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable' airdate unknown

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

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2009x245 Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee airdate unknown

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.

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2009x246 Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq airdate unknown

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

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2009x247 Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing airdate unknown

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

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2009x248 Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire airdate unknown

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

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2009x249 NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line airdate unknown

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

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2009x250 Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together' airdate unknown

Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right... read more

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2009x251 Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes airdate unknown

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

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2009x252 Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage airdate unknown

Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vagina's so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.

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2009x253 New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free airdate unknown

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.

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2009x254 Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's aired Jun 08, 2009

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

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2009x255 Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor aired Jun 11, 2009

Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

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2009x256 Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg airdate unknown

After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

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2009x257 US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com airdate unknown

Treasury officials say the gold has just been rattling around in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government...

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2009x258 Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker airdate unknown

The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.

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2009x259 Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature airdate unknown

Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

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2009x260 New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less airdate unknown

Fast food giant Yum! Brands believes its new feedbags will make it even easier for Americans to constantly be eating.

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2009x261 Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes airdate unknown

Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.

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2009x262 New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time airdate unknown

In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.

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2009x263 Obama Axes Pentagon Plan To Build Billion Dollar Tank In Shape Of Dragon airdate unknown

Supporters of the Pentagon's Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers.

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2009x264 Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa airdate unknown

Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhaustion.

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2009x265 Chinas Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is airdate unknown

The curmudgeonly Poyuan Wei thinks the only thing wrong with the Chinese Government is that they are not tough enough on dissidents.

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2009x266 Evander Holyfield To Box Horse For Heavyweight Title airdate unknown

Boxing officials are hoping the once in a lifetime chance to see Holyfield try to take down thoroughbred Evening Dream will reignite interest in...

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2009x267 Congresswoman Says Botched Plastic Surgery Most Important Issue Facing U.S. airdate unknown

Rep. Lynn Merriweather says bill will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all.

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2009x268 U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt airdate unknown

Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.

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2009x269 Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive airdate unknown

Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

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2009x270 Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village airdate unknown

Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.

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2009x271 Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women airdate unknown

Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothes and participate in humiliating publicity stunts.

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2009x272 White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase airdate unknown

White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode.

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2009x273 Baseball Superstar Accused of Performance-Enhancing Genie Use airdate unknown

Despite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies ever using a genie.

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2009x274 Sudden Ominous Music Heard Across U.S., Nation Panicking airdate unknown

Government officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods, and eer... read more

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2009x275 Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture? airdate unknown

In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaurs sternum-stomping-by-hooves...

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2009x276 Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids airdate unknown

'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.

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2009x277 NFL Players Mentor Troubled Detroit Lions airdate unknown

Thanks to the NFL's Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.

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2009x278 Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate airdate unknown

Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.

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2009x279 U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan airdate unknown

Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.

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2009x280 Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor airdate unknown

As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old p... read more

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2009x281 BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS airdate unknown

Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

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2009x282 Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar airdate unknown

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

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2009x283 Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act airdate unknown

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.

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2009x284 Are The Obamas Out Of Touch With The Average Miserable American Family? airdate unknown

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

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2009x285 New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' airdate unknown

The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.

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2009x286 Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire airdate unknown

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

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2009x287 Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows airdate unknown

Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

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2009x288 Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist airdate unknown

Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.

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2009x289 Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting airdate unknown

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

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2009x290 How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son airdate unknown

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

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2009x291 Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game airdate unknown

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the f... read more

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2009x292 Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck airdate unknown

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

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2009x293 Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus airdate unknown

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

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2009x294 Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks airdate unknown

Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

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2009x295 Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner airdate unknown

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.

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2009x296 Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T. airdate unknown

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

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2009x297 Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP airdate unknown

Republicans say they have found their fresh new face in the corpse of Ronald Reagan, recently back from the dead.

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2009x298 Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked airdate unknown

Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos.

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2009x299 DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico airdate unknown

The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself.

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2009x300 Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series airdate unknown

Adult readers say they are drawn to the 'Green Man' children's book series by the complexity of its characters ranging from yellow to blue.

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2009x301 Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization airdate unknown

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.

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2009x302 Overcome Stress By Visualizing It As A Greedy, Hook-Nosed Race Of Creatures airdate unknown

No summary found for this show

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2009x303 Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport airdate unknown

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2009x304 Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions airdate unknown

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2009x305 China Celebrates Its Status As World’s Number One Air Polluter airdate unknown

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